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May your organs fail before your dreams fail you   
02:19am 20/01/2008
 
mood: crushed
Well, this is a blog i wrote for myspace and i don't feel like typing the whole thing over again but its how i feel right now so it's going in here too...



Well, As I'm sure the ones of you who even care to know Ginger and I broke up about three months ago. He turned into a completely different person not that I didn't change over the three year long relationship I did. But he completely became a different person. When I first met him he was carefree just didn't let things bother him but when he started working at Armstrong he just changed. I dunno if it was the redneck disrespectful assholes he worked with or if it was just the pressure to grow-up when in all honestly I don't think I was really ready to deal w/ what was instore for me w/ that jazz. Either way he became exactly what he told me he'd never be like pretty much an arogant self rightious ass. And In all honesty he and I were having lots of problems WAY before the incident at hand. If he didn't break up w/ me though I would of kept on enduring the bull-shit just for the pure and simple fact that every day I hoped and prayed he'd go back to the romantic put flowers in my car, put cards on my windshields or little notes, he was so sweet back then. Here's a little taste of Ginger the sweet guy this was a live journal page he wrote a long time ago when we'd first started dating. I use to read it when I was down and it would make me feel better about things and now it just makes me sad.



..> Date:
2005-04-26 21:57

Subject:
Gas is $2.19

Security:
Public

Mood:
optimistic

Music:
The used - The taste of ink

..>

Man today was a killer today. It didnt start completely great tho. The first image i awoke to on this glorious of days is the site of chooie throwing up some cardboard that she decided might be good to eat. And lets not forget the nice log she left me AND the pee pee in my flip flop. BUT after that it was kick ass b/c then lindsay came over!!! Dude i love hanging out with this girl. Seriously man, i love her more than anything. She's the most beautiful and kind person i've ever met, no contest. So newho after hanging out with the coolest thing since sliced bread i worked on this presentation i had to do for Abnormal Psych. It was supposed to involve me going to an AA metting and recording my thoughts and feelings on the whole process yada yada yada...Me being my normal self tho, i never went. So i was quite in the bind, but i managed to pull it off, its amazing how well a person can word something that is a complete lie and pull it off. I got a hundred on my presentation and am pretty satisfied with myself. Who says slackers never get ahead? Man i cant wait to go visit SC. I miss that place more that fucking anything. I miss the fresh air, that doesnt taste all stale. I miss the way the sun shines in the evening, and the awesome breeze. It sucks, i think i'm still in culture shock even after a year of living here, but hopefully one day, this place will be far away. But yeah, today rocked, lindsay rocks, end of story. Until next time...



It may seem stupid to everyone else but, to me it brings back memories of the Ginger I used to know before he abandoned all those wonderful characteristics he used to portray when he was kind and would do anything for anyone. Now he's just this sad sad kid who thinks that everyone on this earth owes him something and that these people who are his family that are only there for him when it's convienient for them or when he's being there little robot. I really tried to be there for him and be good to him but, I'll admit I yelled at him for dumb shit and I was jealous as all hell for stupid shit but, then again he snuck around and talked to chicks and talked shit about me behind my back and that's not cool either. Not that I'm at all saying it's excusable for the jackass way I acted sometimes. I promised him I would be a good house wife and I was for a little while but, I gave up and I was a pain in the ass and clumsy and I got fat and I was just bad. Neither of us were cupcakes and apple pies. I wish we'd never bought that damn house either that was pretty much the straw that broke the camels back. I really tried to like get over him and like a jackass 1 month after he and I departed I started dating my friend which whom I'd been friends w/ for like five or six years. Everyone told me this was not a good idea but, I thought man I'm totally into him I've dug him for like EVER. Well, it was good for awhile and we jumped in it head first but, then I started realize the reason I'm doing this is because it's much easier to get over someone if you just replace them with someone else and that's so fucking NOT fair and its like totally dirty and awful of me. I really didn't realize it though till like the last time I went to see him and like all his little quirks that were so dear to me when we were friends seriously drove me to the brink. I started thinking about the MAJOR progress in our relationship that had happened literally within like 3 weeks and I had a panic attack and puked in his toilet. I felt so bad I feel so bad and I miss him like as my friend and he let me know its cool we can be friends but, I just can't face him right now because I'm a coward. I'm a coward because of that and I'm a coward because I can't admit to myself that I'm not over him and it's gonna take time even though towards the end of our relationship he was insanely mean. I can't help it and people say it's normal but, I seriously can't handle this seriously if this is normal i'd rather be abnormal because if this is normal I feel like my heart is rotting from inside my body it's the absolute worst feeling I've ever had... Ya know If I could just Chick to Dude Tell Ginger How I feel this is what I would tell him.



Ginger,

I would just like to appologize for not choosing my battles with you and for not being a better house cleaner and for being stupid and paranoid back when I could actually trust everything you said and for the pictures you know what I mean. If I could turn back time I would go back to before we made things complicated before we ever even had ONE single fight and I would stay skinny and be the best girlfriend you ever would wanna have. Cept the thing is I can't turn back time I don't have a flux capaciter cause there is no Doc. Brown and the DeLorean is just a car where the doors open up the wrong way. So all I can really tell you now is I'm sorry for everything and I miss you because in all honesty you are were the best friend I ever had and even the new friends I'm making now will never EVER replace you in my heart or ever be quite as good a friend as you were. You knew all my in's and outs and at one time I knew all of yours. Everything I see reminds me of you and us and it makes me sad today i turn on the weather to see what it's supposed to be like this evening and right there out of the blue what was it but a fucking map of South Carolina, I haven't watched actual t.v. in forever and ya know since I'm a vampire and don't sleep at night I'm up till 6 in the morning and what do I stumble upon but an episode of Angel I missed when we watched them together, This lady in the check out at walmart was talking about how she was going on vacation to mytle beach this summer, I bought a mug off amazon and what color was it but sea mist. Everything it makes me wanna stab myself in the fucking heart w/ a fork just releave this thing where i can't hardly breathe and the tears just come out. I wanna hate you but, I don't I wanna forget you but, I can't, I everything go but I won't my heart won't I know I have to and that just sounds crazy but, I fucking can't help it I'm doomed for disappointment and failure.

Well, That's all I can think of.... I wrote this Blog Once and It fucked up and didn't save. So, I'm gonna take a shower now go to the movies and go get plastered w/ Jamie at Lexys tonight drown my sorrows in a cold heineken light. I know Ginger won't read this but, atleast it's out there for him to read so he knows. I'm willing to be civil and talk to him about anything he wants because I'm hoping his calice act is just that an act and atleast sometimes he misses me a little and I wasn't just a blip in his life that's easily gone and forgotten. If he ever wants to talk I'm always here and I'm willing...........Wanna ever come drinkin' with me and NOT be a robot and do whatever everyone wants you to do I'll be at Lexy's tonight 11:00 p.m. Find me.....We can talk..........I'll give you your key lol.........
 
     

(WhatDoYouWant)

 
I'm Sick of Selfish Over Dramatic Bullshit   
12:29am 29/08/2006
 
mood: crappy
Why do I always feel like I put out all this extra effort for people and like nobody even cares or wants to put out any effort for me. All I want is for someone to like be excited to see me. I mean I try to be a good person I'm def. not the prettiest girl in the world or the funnest but I can be fun. I hate feeling like this..... this thing many like to call Self Pity but, goddgamnit I deserve for atleast one person to like go out of their way for me..........I go out of my way for everyone else why can't someone do the same for me for once. I'm also tired of indecisive people make up your gosh darn mind your not in highschool anymore get over it. Life doesn't end at highschool. I think this live journal is just going to end up me ranting in every entry like the last one oh well... I guess I gotta get it out somewhere
<3
 
     

(WhatDoYouWant)

 
What The Hell Am I doing?   
05:40pm 28/08/2006
 
mood: aggravated
So.....I really just don't know what i'm doing in my life right now. I'm gonna be 23 like in 23 days and I honestly feel like I haven't accomplished a damn thing. I thought that buying a house and getting married was what I really wanted to do but, In fact I really don't. I wanna go places I wanna live somewhere besides West Virginia I wanna go back to school I wanna do all these things yet I'm in debt up to my eyeballs. Getting in that major fight w/ someone (we shall not mention names lol) has made me realize things I took for granted and that I kind of settled (NOT WITH HIM by all means) but with my life. I def. know I dont wanna live with my parents anymore I know that its getting ridiculous considering I had a house for almost a whole year but I was too afraid of what they'd think to just move in with the person I shall not mention. I am so stupid I just need to get some balls in life and just do things instead of worrying what they think they gotta know I'm gonna grow up one of these days. I mean for god says I'm gonna be 23 years. C'mon now........I dunno what else to say I'll talk about this later.. No body reads this anyways
<3


We used to be so happy
Now it's wearing out
that's why they say I have
To break with the past
do something new
Sounds so good
I wish I could
Cause now it's wearing out
I always say
We'll find a way
Doesn't matter now
Cause it's wearing out
And I'm wearing out
I wish tht I had another try
Without wearing out
 
     

(WhatDoYouWant)